


Dear Serena

by evywithay



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-08
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-08-13 22:30:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7988482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evywithay/pseuds/evywithay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bernie has stolen a book out of the office in hopes that it will send her to sleep, she soon realises that the book is Serena's and the letters she's finding buried in the books pages are love notes to a teenage Serena Campbell. Before she knows it she's adding her own.</p>
<p>Dear Serena...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Letters to Serena

**Author's Note:**

> I loved writing this and I hope that I can add something just as perfect as the other fics I've read from this wonderful fandom! You can find me on Tumblr reblogging different versions of the kiss over and over...I'm evywithay over there. Anyway, I hope you my little story, it'll be a few chapters so bare with me!

It was just after 2AM but sleep wasn't coming to Bernie Wolfe who was sat up in bed trying to wish sleep onto herself. The tiny lamp on the bedside table lit the small room that she adopted as her bedroom when she had moved into her new flat a month or so before. There was another bedroom that was slightly bigger, there was no-one there to occupy it but she had put a bed in there anyway, perhaps in the hope that Cameron or Charlotte might want to stay.  
She gave a deep sigh and tried to focus again on the book that lay open on her lap. She had only started it yesterday, finding it on one of the shelves in the office she shared with Serena. She didn't know who's book it was but she took it anyway, she needed something to lull her to sleep. It wasn't her type of book, she wished she'd brought some of her paperwork home as that was sure to get her to sleep. The novel was a romance. A Mills and Boon sort of thing, something that growing up all her friends had read and adored but she had rolled her eyes, tossing it aside in favour of a medical journal. She wasn't at all sure she would stick with it but at 2AM in a relatively empty flat there was little else she could do so she read on. A girl was falling in love with a boy...

 

Her mind drifted as her eyes scanned the words of the book none quite sticking to her brain. Today had been...unexpected. Totally and completely. The very last person she had expected to see, her son Cameron, had appeared, sitting on a hospital, covered in blood and glass with a 40 something year old girlfriend. The sight of his face, so handsome, covered in blood, the blood still relatively fresh, congealing around his nose, drying in the creases of his skin, had frightened her. It's not something that a Mother wants to see...ever.  
And then he had...lied to the police? To protect his middle aged girlfriend? And then she had lied too, gotten caught up in the fierce protectiveness towards her son who was cut up and tired and so young. Too young to be lying to the police, taking the wrap for a woman he hardly knew, risking it all.  
She was tired of lying but somehow she always found herself in the middle of a complicated story confused at how she had gotten there. Somehow lying to everyone around her, hiding things she didn't want to, feeling guilty and jumpy and helpless. Lying to Serena, something that she sworn to never do again, ever. The hurt in Serena's eyes when she discovered she had been lied to was something that Bernie could never get out of her head. The look of hurt made her stomach churn, guilt bubbling away at her.

 

Her eyes strayed away from the page that she had been staring at but not reading for a good 15 minutes and to her phone that was lying dark on the other side of the double bed. She leant over, pressing the home screen button and watching the screen light up straight away. The lock screen image was her children, the time hovering above their heads as they played in the sand at 5 and 6 years old. There was nothing. No messages, emails, notifications of any kind. Nothing. It wasn't surprising, it being the middle of the night and all but...

 

Was she expecting something? She didn't want to hear from the Hospital, Cameron wasn't allowed to be discharged until the morning. He hadn't been happy that he had had to stay the night but Bernie felt a bit better, she wanted him to be safe and though she knew he was. He was more than fine, healthy with just a dash of whiplash, she just felt better that he was in a hospital, cared for, and that she would see him in the morning.

 

The backlight on the phone went out and once again the phone appeared dark and empty, sleeping at 2AM. She wasn't expecting anything. Nobody is even awake at this time anyway. She turned her head back to her book but she only managed to read two words before her thoughts wandered once more. This time to the conversation with her son that she had been trying not to think about. Not because it was bad. It was probably the healthiest conversation they had had in years.

 

But then...she flipped over the page she hadn't read and her eyes went to the first line. She scanned it twice and then a third time, marvelling at the words and how they just wouldn't go into her brain at all. They had talked about Serena. And Bernie had been surprised, genuinely surprised because the absolute last person she had expected Cameron (or anyone) to pair her with was Serena. They were work colleagues, friends, she had told him this.

 

_"I've seen you look at her in the same way."_

 

He had replied. And...more surprise. And she hadn't known what to say and the urge to turn again to look at her friend grew magnificent but she didn't. She was playing it off like it wasn't anything, like it was ridiculous what he was saying.

 

Because it had to be. But as her son finally took her hand, rubbing it, bringing his Mother back into the conversation, her brain had flicked to life. Clips of moments, like film footage on a reel were being projected in front of her eyes and she could see, as clear as day, what Cameron had been talking about. Times when she had found herself just staring at her friend, over a glass of wine or across her desk. And more than looks. Times when touches had lingered for longer than was necessary, for longer than they used to, that neither of them noticed but enjoyed all the same. Walking too close together, leaning against each other, the ease in which they seemed to move around together. The utter trust that had many a time been tested but still held strong. They should have clashed but somehow they had managed a friendship. A friendship that felt good, close.

 

And then her son's voice again:

 

_"All those years, you should have just told the truth Mum, it would've been best for everyone."_

 

She slammed her book shut. She should have been feeling...what should she be feeling? Fear? Shock? Like an idiot?

 

But she didn't, she just felt calm and something that was near to happiness but was just short. She had apologised, desperate to make sure that Serena could hear the sincerity in her voice, in the statement. She had sounded rambling, she was too quiet but she was gentle and her friend's face had softened slightly.

 

_"That's what love is I suppose, defending the indefensible."_

 

Serena had said two lines, almost poetic, and Bernie had felt her heart lighten considerably. Serena may have looked troubled, something she knew she would feel guilt for later, but she had smiled, tiny and grateful that the woman had seemed to have forgiven her. Serena bade her goodnight and she did the same and she was left standing in front of a closed door, just staring.

 

She closed her eyes tight, placing her head back against the head board of her bed. She really needed to get some sleep. Her shift was a long one the next day and if she remembered correctly her hours were exactly the same as Serena's. She gave a sigh and reached out for her phone, only opening her eyes when she had it held right in front of her eyes. Nothing. She gave a silent snort of laughter and quickly set herself an alarm for the morning before placing it onto the bedside table. She picked up the book she had previously discarded and opened it again...just a few more lines wouldn't hurt.  
A few lines turned into a few pages as she got into the story. A story of a girl who falls in love with a boy only for him to move away and leave her. It was badly written, teenage stuff but it was compelling enough. She turned the page and immediately a small folded piece of white lined paper fell out from between the pages. She frowned but picked it up from where it had fallen on her lap. Book abandoned, she carefully unfolded the paper, discovering handwriting that looked like it was from a teenage boy. Her eyes found the top of the page and the words scrawled across the top.

  
_"Dear Serena."_   


  
She looked back to the book, it was very possible that book she had borrowed from her office would have been Serena's. She went back to the note that she knew now to be a letter, from who though she was yet to find out.

 

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I found this book in that little book shop we went in to, you know, the one you loved? I don't know much about books but I know you like romance so I picked this one. I had hoped to see you today at school but it seems like our classes were just too different. I hope to see you tomorrow. Dave said this was a love letter but I think that's stupid. I just wanted to talk to you and this seemed the best way, you know? I think you're wonderful. There's a line in this book, just on the front page, it says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' and I think that's how my life feels when I don't see you._   


  
_\--- Tony_   


 

 

 

Bernie couldn't help but smile, a love letter to Serena from school. Tony seemed sweet enough, the cheesy line he had picked out of the book sounding just as cringy in a teenagers handwriting than when she had read it in the book herself. She read the letter over again and tried to imagine what teenage Serena would have thought about it. She would probably have loved it, she had a sneaking suspicion that under all the divorce bitterness there was a very romance loving Serena Campbell. She flattened out the paper and brought the book back, she then reached over to her bedside table and pulled open one of the drawers. She dug around and found a pen and a colourful stack of notes papers that she had never used.

  
She absolutely had no idea what she felt for Serena, not properly, so she would join Tony. Burying love notes. Serena wouldn't see them and it would help to get out her feelings on paper. Tony had been brave in sending them, Bernie less so but this was good for her.  
So she pulled off the lid of her pen and scribbled on a note.

 

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I hate this book and when I was a kid I would have much preferred a very large medical journal. A lot went on today but I have to agree with Tony (whoever he is) like the book says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' you make everything okay by just being here. You really helped today and I miss you, even though it's only been hours since we said goodnight._   
_I honestly hate this book._   


  
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

 

She folded the note and put it with Tony's note, closing the book. She would read on another day she was suddenly sleepy and hoping that her sudden tiredness wasn't the relief of getting something off her chest. She placed the book on the bedside table and turned out the lamp she rolled around under the duvet in an attempt to get comfortable. Finally, she managed to fall into a light sleep that she didn't wake from until her alarm sounded early morning, signalling it was time to get up for another day at Holby City General.

 


	2. one more hour with you

 

The next day came around too quickly for Bernie. She was at the hospital by 8AM and at Cameron's bedside by 8:14AM. He was well enough to be discharged and Keeley had been moved up to a recovery ward so he couldn't see her. Bernie had the feeling that her son wouldn't be seeing much more of his older girlfriend though and couldn't help feeling glad of it. She noticed that Marcus had already been in somehow, providing Cameron with a change of clothes and toiletries. She checked him over again and then went over to the nurses desk to get the papers to discharge him. Fletch was on duty.

  
"Good Morning Ms Wolfe." He said with his usual smile.

"Morning Fletch." She said, smiling herself, you couldn't help but like Adrian Fletcher.  
"Do you have Cameron's discharge papers?" She asked him.  
"Ah." He said, unhelpfully.  
She sighed.  
"What is it Fletch?"  
"You can't sign his discharge papers because you're not his doctor." He said, like he was breaking the worst piece of news.  
"I am." She said in protest.  
"No." He said, shaking his head. "That would be Ms Campbell, and you're his Mother."  
"Great." She turned in the direction of the office they shared. "She won't be in for at least half an hour."  
"Actually, I've just seen her come in, you're in luck. Maybe she had a sixth sense that you needed her." Fletch laughed. "A Bernie signal."  
She stared at him and he shrunk slightly at the look. He didn't know what he had done wrong, he didn't know that Bernie's stomach had suddenly knotted up at his joke. She tried to smile at him but her lips were tight across her face.  
"Thank you Fletch." She said, turning to go back to her son.

  
She kept her eyes trained on the office as she walked, watching the woman inside move around, hanging up her coat and her bag and fiddling with the blinds. She didn't realise she had arrived back to Cameron until she had walked into the bed.

  
"Mum, are you alright?" He asked.  
Her head snapped to him.  
"Of course."  
"Is that it then?" He asked. "Am I free to go?"  
He laughed at his own joke.  
"Serena has to sign your papers." She said. "She's in the office."  
Cameron looked at her like she was slow, or like she was a child. She just blinked at him, standing still and feeling slightly awkward.  
"Is she coming out to sign the papers?" He asked.  
"No, I er, yes...I have to tell her."  
"Then what are you waiting for?"

  
The boy was eyeing her suspiciously and if Bernie wasn't mistaken, he had a smirk dancing around his lips. A smirk that he only wore when he was right, or when he thought he was right, about something. They both turned to look at the office where Serena was standing in front of her desk sorting through the mornings post. Bernie felt ridiculous. She had spent all night wishing to see the woman and now when she could she wasn't? And the fact that she actually needed to see her still didn't make actually going and interacting any easier. She didn't see Cameron stand up behind her so she jumped slightly when he spoke, standing right beside her now.

  
"Go on Mum." He said, reaching down and squeezing her hand slightly.

  
She looked to him and smiled, the smirk was coming back to his face and he gave her strength somehow.

  
"Wait on the bed, you're still banged up." She said, pulling herself together.

  
Cameron rolled his eyes but did as he was told. She took a deep breath and made her way to the office. She stopped for a second in front of the closed door and thought about knocking but gave herself a shake, it was her office and even when it hadn't been, she hadn't knocked once. She pushed it open and Serena looked up. They made eye contact. Bernie bit her lip.

  
"Bernie! You're here early." The brunette said, giving her a smile.  
"Cameron's getting discharged." She said.  
"He's still here?" Serena frowned.  
"It turns out that I'm not his Doctor so I can't discharge him." Bernie told her.

  
A look of guilt passed over Serena's face and Bernie felt bad, she didn't mean for it to sound like she was blaming her for not looking out for her son.

  
"It's alright." She said, only being aware after she had spoken that Serena hadn't said anything. She continued, "You've just got in."  
Serena clicked her tongue and turned her eyes down to her desk. She dropped the pile of letters she had in her hand and picked up a pen.  
"I should have discharged him last night." She said finally with a sigh. "But I..."  
She had crossed the room and was now standing in front of Bernie who had forgotten she was blocking the doorway. She stopped.  
"Thank you for your apology last night." She said quietly, not picking up her previous trail of thought.  
"I don't think you're supposed to thank an apology."  
This made Serena laugh and Bernie found that her heart soured at the sound and at the fact that she made it happen.  
"You deserved the thanks." Serena said, placing a hand on the blonde's arm.

  
Bernie smiled at the touch which lingered slightly but was withdrawn far too soon for her liking. They stayed close for a second before Serena raised her eyebrows and the trauma surgeon noticed that she was blocking the way. She moved quickly and Serena moved past her, making her way towards Cameron's bed. The blonde followed quickly, appearing slightly flushed behind the smaller doctor, as she spoke.

  
"Good Morning Cameron." She said kindly.  
To Bernie's surprise, Cameron smiled.  
"Morning Ms Campbell." He said.  
"How are you feeling?" Serena asked, looking over his face.  
"Fine." He said. "Mum checked me over."  
Serena smiled and glanced over at Bernie for a couple of seconds before turning back to Cameron.  
"Right well, I'll go and sign your discharge papers and you can be off home, have you got someone to take you?" She asked.  
Bernie hadn't even thought of this.  
"My Dad's downstairs." Cameron said quickly, casting his own glance at his Mother.  
"Er, good, I'll be right back."  
Serena left and Cameron turned to Bernie.  
"I like her."

  
It was Bernie's turn to roll her eyes though she smiled. She stepped around the bed and sat on the edge with him, placing an arm around his shoulder.  
"She's a good friend." She said quietly, her eyes finding said, 'friend'. She gave a small sigh and stared at the woman's back as she scribbled on the paper. She watched as she laughed at something Fletch said, probably a bad joke of his own invention, she smiled to herself. Serena turned and they made eye contact again. Serena clutched on to the piece of paper in her hands as she swayed slightly before seemingly pulling herself together and coming back over to Cameron's bed.

  
"This is a copy of the information you need, I've also prescribed painkillers though I doubt you'll need them." She smiled over at Bernie. "It's more to keep your Mum off my back."  
"Whatever can you mean?" Bernie said, a small smile pulling at her lips.

  
Serena laughed again and looked at Cameron.

  
"It's been very nice meeting you darling." She said.  
The term of endearment made Bernie's heart skip a beat, she couldn't ignore the utter adoration that was swelling in her chest for the woman in front of her.  
"If only it was under better circumstances." Cameron said.  
"Ah, indeed." Serena nodded. "I'm sure we'll meet again."  
Cameron looked to his Mother who was staring at the Doctor, a pink tinge to her cheeks, she was hooked.  
"I'm sure we will." He said.  
"I'll leave you to it." She said. "I'm in theatre all morning Bernie, I'll see you this afternoon?"  
"Lunch?"  
"Of course."

  
With one last smile to Cameron, Serena disappeared back into the office. Cameron turned to his Mother.

  
"Come on then gorgeous." She said, squeezing his shoulder lightly. "I'll take you downstairs to your Father."

  
Cameron nodded and they both stood up. He went to get his hold all bag that his Dad had brought up but his Mum had already picked it up. He shook his head and picked up his coat instead. He held out his hand and Bernie took it instantly.

  
"I mean it Mum." He said suddenly. "I really do like her."

 

                                                                                                                         ***

 

At one o'clock Serena still hadn't returned. She suspected that the surgery had had problems because it had run over and she hadn't heard anything from the woman. She still hadn't taken her lunch break, hoping that Serena would still want to eat with her when she got back. The ward was quiet so she had retreated into the office to look at some paper work that she had been putting off or 'accidently' leaving on Serena's desk for her to do it. She always got it back finished to perfection. She had made herself some tea for motivation but it wasn't helping. She gave up on the paperwork pretty quickly and with nothing else to do she reached for her bag and pulled out her book from the night before. She may as well see how it ended. She opened it to where she had left off and began to read.

  
The boy and girl were getting on well. Love seemed to be blossoming very nicely and the boy had been spouting poetry to the girl for a least two pages. She laughed at some of the words and, though she wouldn't admit it to anyone, she nearly cried at some of the others. Was she getting into the book? Who was she? She managed to read a whole chapter very quickly and a second and third after that. She turned a page and suddenly a piece of paper fell out the bottom. She looked to the fallen folded note on her lap with some amusement. Tony was persistent wasn't he. Or maybe it was another boy? She could easily imagine Serena being adored by a whole heap of boys at school, and probably some girls too. She tipped the book upside down and lay in on the desk, plucking up the note and pulling it open.

 

 

  
_Dear Serena_  
_I saw you today at lunch, you looked pretty in your uniform. I hope you're enjoying the book, I've seen you with it. I was wondering if you would like to have lunch with me tomorrow? Just you and me? I'll send Dave with this letter and you can send back your answer, I know you have hockey after lunch._  
_\--- Tony_

 

 

She really liked Tony, he was persistent she would give him that. She folded the note back up neatly and reached for a pen. She couldn't find one so she stole one from Serena's side of the desk. When she returned to her chair, with another coloured note, this time Serena's own, her phone buzzed and lit up. She opened the text message.

 

13:46 Serena Campbell  
Sorry, long surgery, I'm coming up to change and then lunch if you haven't already had it? I'll be a couple of minutes x

 

She smiled at the screen before locking the phone and picking the pen and paper up.

 

 

_Dear Serena_  
_I love it when you invite me for lunch because there's nothing I want to do more than spend an extra hour with you everyday. I think Tony's onto something. You probably look pretty in your scrubs right now too, Tony would be jealous._  
_\--- Bernie_

 

 She tucked her note in with the schoolboys and closed the book. She shoved it into her bag and stood up. She grabbed her purse and left the office, checking on the ward so Serena could change in the office in peace and she would be ready to go when she finished. She was sure she should have to catch up with Tony in lunch break hours.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the nice comments and the kudos you are all the sweetest!

Later that evening, Bernie was eating her dinner alone. The television was playing, her favourite show was on but she knew she would have to be moving off the couch soon if she wanted to go in the bath before she went to bed. She was working all hours tomorrow it seemed, working all day before starting off the nightshift then being put on call for the rest of night, meaning she probably wouldn't be getting much sleep. She needed a good nights sleep tonight or she would be falling asleep on the job tomorrow. She finished her dinner and her television show finished. She forgot about the washing up and went straight upstairs to the bathroom. She peeled off her clothes as the taps ran. Wrapping herself in a big towel she went in to her bedroom, picking up her phone and her (Serena's) book, taking them both into the bathroom with her.

  
The water was hotter than she intended but she sunk into it anyway, feeling the aches in her body fade away in the heat. Her book, left on the floor below the bath forgotten, she leant her head back, resting it on the back of the bath. She closed her eyes as she lay below the bubbles. Taking a bath had been her best idea yet. It was her ultimate way to relax and she still thought of it as a luxury even though she had been back from war for a long time now. The quiet was heaven so she frowned when her phone buzzed loudly on the hard wood floor. She sat up a slight, craning her head over the side of the bath to see what had come through. She squinted at the screen but her eyes were good enough to see the message even from so far away. From Serena. She sat up further, drying her hands on her towel that had been left in a heap on the floor. She reached for it.

 

 

21:33 Serena Campbell  
What are you working tomorrow? x

 

21:38 Bernie Wolfe  
All day and then I'm on call during the night, some hours x

 

21:41 Serena Campbell  
I'm not in in the morning, I have an appointment, hold down the fort for me x

 

21:44 Bernie Wolfe  
How will I cope without you? x

 

 

She had hit send and had immediatly regretted it. She meant it to sound...light. She was sure it did, it would, to Serena. She took a breath. She had to stop getting so worked up everytime she did something like this, said something that could have a double meaning. Serena wouldn't see it like that she knew.

 

 

21:50 Serena Campbell  
You'll manage I'm sure, I have complete faith x

 

 

Bernie read the message 12 times. She felt like the girl in her book. She fell like Tony. She laughed to herself.

 

 

21:56 Bernie Wolfe  
That's very good of you, I can't promise I won't burn down the place x

 

21:59 Serena Campbell  
Blind faith. You should get an early night, goodnight x

 

22:03 Bernie Wolfe  
Goodnight Serena x

 

 

She smiled at the digital name of her friend before placing it back on the floor. The bath was cooling down but it was still warm and it still felt good so she decided that she would read in the bath instead of when she got into bed. She picked up the book and sank down into water further. The boy had just admitted her feelings to the girl. Two chapters were read when low and behold another note came out of the pages. She managed to catch it before it hit the water. She quickly dropped the book carefully over the side of the bath and unfolded the third note, again, in white lined paper. It started like all the others.

 

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_When you kissed me today it felt like magic, don't tell Dave or the lads. You looked so beautiful with your face inches away from mine. I don't think I've ever felt like this about anybody ever before. I haven't told anyone that you're my girlfriend yet because it doesn't seem real and I want to keep you to myself for a while, you know? I really like you and I'm so happy that you like me back. Today was the greatest day and I will remember it for the rest of my life. I'm so lucky that you're my girlfriend Serena._   


  
_\--- Tony_   


 

 

 

She felt a pang of jealously for the long forgotten teenager Tony. She folded the note back up and tucked it in the book. She felt silly and she laughed it off. She absolutely wasn't falling for Serena and she absolutely would never. There was no need to feel jealous of a school day relationship.

  
The water gradually got cold so she pulled herself out of the bath, draining the water. She dried herself quickly and brushed her teeth, gathering up her book and phone and making her way across the landing to her bedroom. She changed into her pyjamas and threw herself into bed. She set an alarm on her phone for work the next day and set in on the bedside table. She picked up the book and opened it to the page with the letter, reading it again. She felt a little guilty that she was reading Serena's personal letters but she could hardly stop now, this romance was almost as interesting as the one in the book and though she hadn't looked she had a feeling that more letters were hiding nestled between the pages of the book. She sighed and snatched up a pen and her note paper.

 

 

 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_You have complete faith in me. That's all I need for now. It's pretty magic._   
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

Her note joined Tony's and she finished the chapter before clicking the lamp off and falling asleep quickly. She dreamt about Serena and kissing and magic.


	4. happiness

 

 

The next day hadn't been as quiet as she had hoped it would be. The trauma bay had a casualty almost first thing and with Serena at her appointment she was the only doctor on the case. By the time she had removed the gigantic industrial spike from the poor guys leg it was after lunchtime. She had a quick lunch in the office before having to get scrubbed in for an emergency follow up operation on spike man. She finished up there late afternoon, emerging hungry again. Serena wasn't in the office so she went to find Morven who was on ward rounds.

  
"Morven." She greeted.

  
Morven smiled at her and they moved together to the next bed. The patient was asleep so she checked their vitals and Bernie checked the chart.

  
"Have you seen Ms Campbell today?" She asked the younger woman.  
"Yeah, she's been around all afternoon." Morven told her.  
They moved to the next bed.  
"She isn't in the office." Bernie said.  
"She got called down to Keller just before you came up, you could have past each other." Morven said.  
"Why was she called down?" She asked the girl.  
"Erm..." Morven read the chart quickly before looking up at the surgeon. "A consult I think?"  
"Right." Bernie nodded. "Are you alright here?"  
"Yeah, everything's in order."  
"Great!" She caught Morven's arm, patting it softly. "I'm going on my break now that Raf's back from his, call me if you need anything."

  
Morven nodded and she left her to it. She went for her purse and phone before making her way down in the lift to Pulses.

 

 

**

 

 

"So he's stable anyway, we'll see what happens, we've got a nurse monitoring him."  
Bernie sipped her coffee and took a bite out of her cake. Serena did the same.  
"Sounds like a very eventful day." She said.  
The blonde surgeon nodded as she chewed.  
"It passes the day though I suppose, when it's all go." She said with a shrug.  
"Better than sitting and doing paperwork." Serena laughed.  
"Anything is better than paperwork." Bernie said, gesturing to her ever growing of most likely overdue paperwork.  
"I can see." There was disapproval in her voice and her eyebrows were raised.  
Bernie shot her a guilty look, blushing slightly.  
"Sorry." She muttered.  
"You'll have time tonight I should think." Serena said smiling.

  
Bernie moaned lowly, she closed her eyes, missing Serena's breathing change at the sound, her eyes flicking over every inch of Bernie's face. She opened her eyes again.

  
"I hate being on call." She said, feeling sorry for herself.  
"At least you get to go home I suppose, what time do you leave?" Serena asked.  
"About nine?" She finished up her cake and glanced to the clock on the wall. "I feel like I live here at the moment."  
"Tell me about it." Serena said with a sigh.

  
Bernie studied her face. Her thoughts had drifted to her book, or rather, the notes that she kept finding in the book. She had found another in her lunch break. The relationship it seemed was going well, many dates had been had, and like the teenagers in the book, teenage Tony and teenage Serena were happy as could be. She wondered if Serena was happy now. Sure she was divorced and Jason could be difficult sometimes but she had a good career, everyone at work loved her, she had her, their friendship...

  
"What are you thinking about?"  
Bernie blinked, realising that she had drifted off into her own thoughts staring at the poor woman opposite.  
"I..." She bit her lip. "I'm reading a book at the moment and it's...making me think."  
Serena raised her eyebrows.  
"About what?" She asked.  
"How I...was when I was young, and...love." Why had she started this conversation? She knew that Serena was happy, she wasn't exactly low was she? That should have been enough for her, shouldn't it?  
"Love?"  
"And happiness..."  
"Happiness?" Serena was failing to follow Bernie's train of thought.  
"Am I happy?" Bernie said suddenly.

  
There was a silence, Serena was looking at her like she was crazy. She laughed, she was being crazy.

  
"Nevermind." She said, sipping the last of her coffee.  
Serena put her own coffee down.  
"Are you?" She asked.  
Bernie was taken aback but she supposed she should have known that she wouldn't drop it.  
"I'm...happier than I've been in a year or so."  
Serena nodded.  
"You deserve to be happy." She said.  
"Do you think?" Bernie asked before she could think.  
"You don't?" Serena was frowning, hurt in her eyes.  
"That's not what I meant..." She stuttered, before she could speak again she was stunned into silence as Serena spoke again.  
"Bernie, you deserve all the happiness in the world, don't doubt that."  
Bernie blushed dark pink but held her gaze with Serena. The hurt behind Serena's eyes was still there as they stared.  
"Thank you Serena."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided, as I've finished this fic, that I'm not going to make you wait and I'm going to publish it all today, it'll be split up into chapters purely for ease of reading but it will all be there, thank you again for reading!


	5. number 6

 

 

  
She was reading again, the lovers were facing turmoil and she couldn't put it down. She was sitting in her lounge, her phone charging next to her, the only light in the room the two laps that she had clicked on when she had entered the house however many hours earlier. She had heard, when she had left the hospital at around nine thirty, that their had been a huge road accident, involving at least 5 cars. The casualties had been taken to the ED but being on call she was expecting to get a call any minute for the trauma bay. So she had stayed up, curling onto the couch in the livingroom, in clothes that were comfortable but still acceptable for going into work in. It had been a couple of hours since she had heard about the accident so she was hoping that she wouldn't be called in. She had only been on call a couple of times and she had never actually had to go into the hospital.

  
She turned the page and read it, and then the next. She was actually beginning to like the characters. The girl wasn't as flat as she thought she was going to be. She had some kick to her. She knew what she wanted and she was going for it, she admired that. The boy was alright too. He had just gotten a university scholarship though and Bernie heavily suspected that this was what was going to tear them apart even more. At the moment she was feeling sorry for the poor boy. The girl had caught him talking to his cousin and assumed that he was cheating and now she wasn't talking to him. She admired her no shit attitude but she did jump to conclusions very easily. They were perfect for each other, they just couldn't see it.

  
She hadn't meant to get so involved with this book.

  
She turned the page, a letter dropped from the bottom and onto her lap. She'd wondered when Tony would appear again. She opened it up and smoothed it out to read.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I'm sorry about today. I hope you talk to me soon, it's agony not hearing your voice. We've always been able to work things out before and I'm sure we can this time. I don't want this to be the end._   
_I've made a list of the things I love about you,_   
_1\. Your smile._   
_2\. Your voice._   
_3\. The way you take care of your friends._   
_4\. Your ambition._   
_5\. Your attitude._   
_6\. Everything._   


  
_I love you Serena and I'm truly sorry for what I did, please let this work._   


  
_\--- Tony_   


 

 

Well that was the most interesting Tony letter Bernie had read yet. It looked like the drama was following the book. She wondered what he had done that he was sorry for. She also wondered if that was the first time he had said 'I love you', he hadn't said it in  any letters before but she reasoned that he had probably said it in person. She wasn't sure how she should feel about Tony now. He had obviously done something to Serena that he was deeply sorry for. Had he cheated? Would Serena forgive him for that? She wasn't sure. The list was cute though thoroughly lacking. Making 6. 'everything' was a bit of a cop out she thought. She tried to imagine Serena reacting to this letter but found she couldn't. She imagined it wouldn't be with tears though, that woman turned upset into anger, she was surprised the letter was still in one piece, she was surprised she had kept it. She re-read it trying to see if she could see any clues as to what he could possibly have done to warrant a letter such as the one he had written. Nothing. No clue anywhere. She folded it back up just as it was and put in back inbetween the pages, she then climbed off the couch and jogged up the stairs for her note paper and pen.

  
When she returned to the livingroom her phone was ringing from it's place on the arm of the couch. She unplugged it and held it to her ear.  
"Yes, hello." She said, slightly out of breath.

  
She had been called in. The red phone had rung so she had been too. She told the ED doctor that she would be there as soon as she could and hung up. She had scrubs in her locker at the hospital so she grabbed her handbag from off the coffee table, throwing the book in it along with her phone and purse. She grabbed her coat and was out of the door within the minute of the phone call.

  
She didn't think about the letter from Tony again until her patient was out of theatre, the car part having been removed safely from his back. It was past 2AM when she had come out of surgery but she had no thought of going home because she was immediately called down to the ED to help on another patient. Tiredness didn't hit her until nearly 6AM when she had arrived back to AAU. She unlocked the office and went in. She didn't know the point of going home when she started again at 8:30. She sat heavily and reached for her phone in her bag. She opened the message app and typed a message to Serena.

 

 

06:01 Bernie Wolfe  
Bring me some breakfast please x

 

She wondered if it sounded too domestic but held short of telling herself off, reminding herself that Serena wouldn't see it like that. This is how friends text each other, close friends...  
Serena was up it seemed because she got a text back straight away.

 

 

06:04 Serena Campbell  
Where are you?? x

 

06:06 Bernie Wolfe  
At work. I could describe every crack on the walls of this office x

 

06:09 Serena Campbell  
You got called in? What luck. I'll be in half eight x

 

06:11 Bernie Wolfe  
I'm just staying in, I only have a half day anyway, who did this rota?? x

 

06:14 Serena Campbell  
You did. Get some paperwork done while you wait for your breakfast x

 

06:16 Bernie Wolfe  
Life saver, Serena Campbell, see you soon x

 

 

She put down the phone and actually picked up a file from the top of her ever growing stack of unfinished work. She sighed, nobody tells you how boring paperwork is and how much part of the job it actually is. Thankfully she managed to race through 5 blue files, she smiled, Serena would be proud, she thought. It was now coming up to eight so she stopped, too hungry to carry on (that was her excuse anyway). She pulled the book out of her back remembering the sad note. She read it again, she still wasn't getting even a hint of what young Tony had done or said to Serena. She was no further forward finding out. She folded the note back up again and again reached over for Serena's own stack of brightly coloured note papers.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_Did you forgive him? I don't know what he did, god knows I've tried to work it out. Sorry. The list isn't nearly long enough but I admire his reasons why he loves you. Your smile must be my favourite and I love it when you smile at me or when you smile at my achievements. You think I don't see but I do and it makes me nervous and proud at the same time. I love it that the corners of your mouth turn upwards before you speak, like a smile, no matter what you say. Your voice is another good one (good old Tony huh? Well maybe not for teenage Serena right now anyway) You don't speak like anyone I've ever known. You have a pattern that's different and unpredictable and I find myself wondering how you would say words that I haven't heard you say yet._   


  
_Number three is a great one too because Serena Campbell you are the most caring person I have ever met and I don't even think you know the half of it. You called Cameron, 'darling' earlier and honest to god I could have swooned. Your caring matches perfectly with your outstanding skill and makes you the Doctor everyone around you wants to be. I don't have that caring but I'm trying, I'm learning from you. And dear god you take care of me. Probably too much but that's just you._   


  
_I wonder what Tony does now, I wonder where he is, he's a bit like a mythical figure for me, just like the characters in this book. I feel like he got to see and experience you at your most ambitious and your most headstrong, which I envy him for..._   


  
_The book, by the way, is dragging me in to it's mushy, teenage angst, pages and I just know that I will finish it. It was meant to be a bedtime read but I find myself carrying it around now. I'm not sure whether that's because it's good or because it feels like it's apart of you. I have times when I miss you like crazy which is not helpful for me and it needs to stop. How I can make that happen though I don't know, short of having you around all of the time, which can't happen._   


  
_Number six on his list is a total cop out I hope teenage Serena knew that..? But at the same time...I understand._   
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

 

She folded the note quickly and placed it in the book with Tony's, quickly shoving it in her bag. Her face was warm and her heart was beating faster than it should be. She didn't know where the words she had written had come from. She was not falling for Serena Campbell. She was not falling for Serena Campbell. She was not falling for Serena Campbell. She dropped her head into her hands. The door opened.

  
"Bernie?"  
Her head shot up, she gave a false smile out of shock more than anything.  
"Serena!" She said, her voice high. "You're early."  
"Not by much, I would have been earlier if you hadn't ordered breakfast." The woman said, closing the door behind her. "Alright?"  
"Yes, of course..." She attempted to sit up straight in her chair.

  
If she thought the blonde was acting suspicious, she didn't say anything. She dropped a white paper bag onto the desk in front of Bernie and placed a cardboard cup of coffee down too. She had her own coffee cup and a further two white paper bags. Bernie could smell what she knew to be a bacon sandwich and it seemed her stomach could too, growling in anticipation of the goodness it had been starved from for so long. She opened the bag, ripping the sides to make a sort of makeshift plate.

  
"This is all I've ever wanted." She said, only having eyes for the sandwich in front of her. "You are perfect Serena Campbell."

  
She stopped dead, keeping her eyes on her breakfast. She waited for Serena's reaction which came a few seconds later in the form of a surprised laugh.

  
"Well I couldn't let you starve could I, how ever would I run AAU without you." She said.  
Bernie smiled over at Serena and was rewarded with a sweet smile back.  
"You wouldn't." She said.  
"That self confidence never wavers does it." Serena teased.  
"Never."  
She tucked in to her sandwich while Serena sipped at her coffee and started up her computer.  
"So what have you got on today?" Bernie asked her friend.  
"I have a meeting with all the heads of departments, Hanssen's leading, should be dreadful." Serena told her.  
Bernie laughed.  
"Rather you than me." She said.  
"Which was what you said when the meeting was being arranged." The woman reminded her.  
"Oh yeah." Bernie smiled.

  
She screwed up the empty paper bag with her last bit of sandwich in her mouth and threw it at the bin. She winced when it missed, looking to Serena guiltily.

  
"Pick it up." The doctor said, not even taking her eyes away from her computer.

  
Bernie rolled her eyes but did exactly as she was told, crossing the room and bending over, picking the paper up and putting it in the bin properly. As she past Serena on the way past she was hit with an apple which she caught just in time.

  
"An apple a day keeps the Doctor away." She chimed, her eyes still glued to the screen.  
"I don't think that's true." Bernie said, sitting back in her chair.  
"Oh?"  
"I eat one every day." She bit into the fruit as Serena finally looked at her. "And you're still here."

  
This earned a smirk from Serena who turned back to the computer.

  
"Very good." She drawled, smirk still on her face.  
"Thanks." Bernie chirped, smiling through her mouthful.


	6. Chapter 6

Some kind of good luck came Bernie's way and she had a delightfully quiet morning getting almost all of her outstanding paperwork done. Her shift was over at midday which was when Serena returned from her meeting.

  
"Are you done?" She asked.  
"Yes, I am, and thank god, I'm ready for bed." She picked up her bag and coat. "Will you be alright?"  
Serena seemed amused by this question, she smiled.  
"I'll be perfectly fine." She said. "Go on to bed."  
Bernie nodded.  
"I'll see you in the morning." She said, making her way to the door.  
"Oh wait, Bernie."

  
She turned back to see Serena step towards her, a small white bag, identical to the one that held her breakfast this morning, in her hand.

  
"What is it?" Bernie asked, eyeing the packet.  
"For after your nap."  
"A snack?"

  
Serena nodded enthusiastically and Bernie laughed.

  
"Thank you."  
"Don't mention it." Serena said. "Now off you go."  
"See you in the morning."  
"Until then solider."

 

**

 

 

Inside the white paper bag had been a cupcake with bright blue icing and a plastic butterfly ring. Something that you give a child but Bernie thought it was hilarious and slipped the slightly sticky ring onto her little finger.  
It was now 11.30PM and she was regretting spending some of the afternoon in bed because she just wasn't tired now. She had her book. Things were still looking down and it was seriously not helping her good mood. She had only turned one page when a note appeared. They weren't usually this close together. She opened it.

 

 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_You didn't write back. Will you forgive me?_   
_\--- Tony_   


 

This was the shortest note yet but it opened up a whole new round of questioning. She folded it back up and turned the page. Another note. She read.

 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_You looked sad today, did I cause that?_   
_\--- Tony_   


 

Young Serena didn't seem at all happy and Tony was beginning to annoy her as she felt a wave of anger hit her. What had happened? She put the note back. She read the two pages she had turned, keeping her thoughts on the words of the actual story. She turned the page and a bundle of notes hit her lap. There were seven thin pieces of folded paper.

 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_I am truly sorry._   
_\--- Tony_   


 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_Talk to me please._   
_\--- Tony_   


 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_I love you._   
_\--- Tony_   


 

 

The others were very much alike but none of them actually said what had happened, what he had done. Until the last one which was longer than the rest. She held it in her hands, not notcing that her hands were shaking as she read.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_Let me start with, 'I'm sorry', a million times I'm sorry. I've hurt you, I know that, I feel awful. I owe you an explanation though I know you already know most of it, if not all._   


  
_I kissed Emily. And you found out. I'm sorry for both. I was drunk, though that's not an excuse it's the only one I've got. I don't know why I did it. Lust. I suppose. Not seeing you for a couple of days. This sounds bad, because it is. I know how bad it sounds to tell you that it meant nothing, but believe me Serena it didn't. I felt nothing. Nothing could ever come close to how I felt the first time I kissed you. Nothing._   


  
_I really want to know how your med school interview went. I know that you'll be the best doctor you could possibly be._   
_I love you_   


  
_\--- Tony_   


 

 

Bernie thought that the letter was the most awful attempt at anything she had ever seen. He had cheated. Bernie had hoped that this wasn't the case but there it was in blue biro, preserved forever. She sighed and folded the paper back up. She couldn't imagine how teenage Serena had felt but she knew that she more than ever wanted adult Serena to talk to right now. It was years ago she knew, and Serena was definitely over it, but she just wanted to know she was alright. She thought about what Serena had told her about when Edward cheated which must have been ten times worse than her first boyfriend cheating, at least she and Tony hadn't been married. She put the note back in and turned the page. She was just about through with notes but she put down her book anyway and climbed out of bed to get her coloured notes from the bag in the corner of the room. She returned to bed.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_This is for teenage Serena, you can't see it now but you're going to have a great life, challenging at times that's to be expected, but good. You're going to have a beautiful daughter and family, a wonderful career and you're going to be the best person you can be. And I'll be there. Whether you want me or not sometimes. I'll be there. I'm here._   


  
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

 


	7. spirals and curls

Two days later Bernie was in the office on her own when Raf put his head through the door. He was white as a sheet and her heart dropped fast.

  
"What is it?" She asked.  
"It's Evie."  
"Evie?"

  
And then it had been a mad dash. Racing down to the ambulance, a barely holding it together Raf by her side and a bunch of nurses from the trauma unit. The ambulance crew, an older, rugged looking man named Iain and a younger, very tall man, named Jez. They were kind enough and she realised that they probably knew Evie Fletcher.

  
She was brought out of the ambulance on the stretcher, neck in a brace, tears wetting her flushed cheeks. Her heart wept for the scared young girl. She stroked the child's arm softly.

  
"She's unresponsive?" She asked the paramedic.  
"Unconscious and unresponsive, relying quite heavily on oxygen too." Iain said.  
"That's not great." Bernie muttered. "Let's get her up to AAU, trauma bay please."

  
Bernie and Raf followed quickly behind the stretcher. Why wasn't Serena in today? She needed her, Fletch would need her. She could do this, the medical things, maybe not the emotional side. She had to pull herself together, there was no use getting upset. She reasoned as they went up in the lift that she was probably best for this job. Unlike Serena she didn't know Evie, had never met the girl, so there wasn't any emotional connection to the child other than the fact that she knew her Father. The lift doors pinged open and she gave herself a shake. This little girl was just another patient and Fletch was just another Father. She wished Serena was here.

  
They wheeled her into the trauma unit and straight away she was full on doctor mode. She heard Raf shout for Fletch but ignored it, shouting commands at various staff and bending over the girl, examining. The day went by quickly with long drawn out pauses when they thought first that Evie had broken her neck and then when she had to go into theatre. The day had been all about this little girl and nothing else and she was drained. When she had woken up Bernie felt a sort of release. The tension lifted from her entire body leaving her with a headache and a bad mood. She had left the Fletcher family and Raf alone and returned to her office only realising that her shift had officially ended two hours ago and she was free to go. She dropped into her seat and decided to start and finish Evie's paperwork, this felt personal to the entire AAU ward staff and she just wanted to get it over with. She got it done then got out of the hospital, stopping on the way home at the supermarket for a bottle of wine. She may look calm and together but she didn't feel it. She felt shaken. What if she had lost her friend's little girl? She pulled her car into the drive, killed the engine, and just sat.

  
Every tiny thought that she could have had when she was treating Evie was filtering through her brain now. What if it had been worse? What if she actually had broken her neck when they feared she had? What if the operation had gone wrong? What if she had had to go out and tell her friend, a good man and Father, that his daughter was dead? The thought of it made her eyes fill up, a stab of pain hitting her chest.

  
But she was okay. She had fixed her and Fletch had thanked her. Thanked her with tears in his eyes and a look of desperation in his face. She had fixed her, so why couldn't she stop thinking, 'what if'. It had happened before, she had lost people, sometimes you did. But this little girl...

  
She couldn't have lost her. Her head ached and the tears that had been welling up had fallen, making wet tracks all the way down her cheeks. She tried to wipe away some of the wet with her hands but new tears just fell as the image of Evie unresponsive on the trolley stayed constant in her mind.

  
She jumped a second later, an utter mess in a dark car outside of her own house, a bottle of Tesco's finest Shiraz on the passenger seat, when her phone started ringing, vibrating as it did so. She had thrown it onto the dashboard when she had gotten in and forgotten all about it. She picked it up.

  
"Hello?"  
There was a brief pause before the person on the other end spoke.  
"It's me."

  
She should have looked at the caller id before she picked up because the one person that she had wished for all day was on suddenly speaking into her ear. She had wanted to call Serena all day but hadn't. For so many years she had brave on her own. Soothing her own panics and fears. But today she had needed someone and that someone was Serena. She felt it like an overwhelming need deep down, almost like how she needed air, food, water. Serena had become her person. Her safety blanket. So when she had heard her voice she had let go, broken down. Everything she was feeling about Serena, her doubts and fears over Evie, over her medical skills, her headache, her backache, even the bloody book that she had gotten so into, everything, it all came spilling out. She let out a sob, tears coming thick and fast now.

  
"Bernie?" Serena's voice was panicked as she listened to the sobs. "Bernie, are you alright?"  
There was a pause and Serena's voice sounded again.  
"Silly question."  
Bernie laughed despite the tears, she took a deep breath, trying to get back some control.  
"Take your time." Serena said soothingly.  
"I'm...I'm okay." Another deep breath, and another, Serena waited until all she could hear over the line was Bernie's steady breathing.  
"Alright?"  
"Yeah."  
Another brief silence. Bernie leant forward and took the keys from the ignition.  
"I heard about Evie Fletcher." Serena said finally.  
"You read my mind?" Bernie asked, fiddling slightly with the keys in her hands.  
"You did a good job, she's awake?"  
She sniffed and nodded to herself.  
"Yes, she'll be fine."  
"Good."

  
Bernie let out a deep sigh, her headache had gotten worse with crying, she should probably move from the car too, her house was only two steps away but she just felt exhausted. Her head dropped to the passenger seat and she suddenly remembered her wine. She dropped her keys into her lap and reached over to turn the bottle. She read the lable, 'Shiraz', of course. She smiled to herself.

  
"Serena...are you busy right now?"  
"It's 8 o'clock on a Friday evening." Serena scoffed over the phone. "Of course I'm not busy."  
"I just bought some wine in the hopes of the disappearance of my headache and I'm willing to share." She told the woman in her ear.  
"Are you asking me over? Now?" Serena asked.  
"I've had a hard day and I need..." Bernie swallowed hard. "My friend...to drink with me, I got Shiraz, your favourite if I recall correctly."  
"You do...okay then, I'll be 20 minutes or so."  
"Great."

 

22 minutes later, Bernie had already opened the wine and was curled up on the couch cradeling a very full glass. She had gotten changed in to a pair of dark grey jogging bottoms and a plain black t-shirt and thrown her hair into a short ponytail as soon as she had gotten into the house. She hadn't eaten since lunch but she didn't feel very hungry, wine would do. She knew that was a bad idea, drinking on an empty stomach, and with Serena coming round but she couldn't find it within herself to start and cook with her headache. She had instead turned the television on, found a news channel, and planted herself in one corner of her couch. She watched the news with the sound low. When she found herself troubled by something she always watched the news channel, it either made her feel stupid for feeling low or made her feel less lonely in her struggles. She wasn't sure what it was making her feel tonight. Sleepy if anything.

  
When the doorbell rang she groaned at the shrill sound and the pain that seared through her head. She stood, wine not leaving her hand and shuffled towards the front door. She pulled it open and there was Serena Campbell, wrapped in a coat, makeup still flawless, smiling at her.  
"The door was open." She found herself muttering in some sort of greeting.  
"Good evening to you too Ms Wolfe." Serena said with a chuckle.  
"Sorry."  
Serena shook her head with a smile, she gestured to Bernie's wine glass.  
"Started without me I see." She said.  
"I was hoping it would take my headache away." Bernie told her, moving away from the door so the doctor could come in.

  
Serena shut the door behind her and pulled off her coat, hanging it over the bannister. She followed Bernie through to the livingroom looking around as she went. She hadn't ever been to Bernie's before and honestly she hadn't known what to expect. She was pleasantly surprised as she watched Bernie curl up on the couch. The walls were a warm cream and the colour scheme was a deep red to match. The couch faced the television with two maroon coloured armchairs on each side. There were two lamps that lit the room standing on the floor creating a warm glow that made the room look homely. The rest of the furniture was a light oak, including the coffee table that stood in the middle of the floor in front of the couch. She loved it, the whole room.

  
"Sit." Bernie commanded, noticing Serena's scrutiny, it making her nervous.  
She watched the woman look between armchairs, deciding where she should sit.  
"Sit with me." She said, patting the couch cushion next to her. "I'm tall but I don't take up much space."  
Serena hesitated for only a fraction of a second before joining the blonde on the comfortable couch.  
"You know that wine doesn't take away pain." She said once she had sat.  
"It does if you drink enough of it." Bernie said, bringing the glass up to her lips and taking a sip of the dark red liquid.  
Serena narrowed her eyes and Bernie realised that Serena's scrutiny had changed, it's focus on her. She blinked.  
"What?" She said, suddenly nervous.  
"Have you eaten recently?" The doctor asked.  
Bernie frowned and tried to think through the incessant, boring, ache in her head.  
"Lunch?" She said. "I'm not hungry."  
"That's why you have a headache, that and the crying I suspect...and your hard day."  
"I barely know the girl." She said it to the inside of her wine glass, not looking at Serena, ashamed at how emotional she got.  
Serena seemed to see this and brought her hand to Bernie's arm.  
"Where's your kitchen?" She asked.  
Bernie looked to her.  
"Why?"  
"You have to eat Bernie."  
"No I..."  
But the brunette was already up and across the room before she could say anything else, or protest further.

  
"This way?" Serena asked, pointing down the hall.  
Bernie nodded and Serena smiled at her warmly before leaving for the kitchen. Bernie sighed, took a sip from her wine and stood up (wine still in hand of course) and followed her colleague to the kitchen. She found her looking in cupboards.  
"Do you ever shop?" Serena asked, her head still in a cupboard.  
"Occasionally. I don't make it a habit though." She crossed the kitchen and sat up on her island bench that stood in the middle of the tiled floor.  
Serena laughed, moving to another cupboard and opening it up.  
"You should eat better." She said.

  
Bernie felt like she was being told off so she sipped her wine again, it was beginning to take effect, warming her insides. It wasn't taking the pain away though. She eyed the medicine cabinet and wondered if she could just have one painkiller. She had made a big mistake. She took another large sip of her wine.  
"How stupid would it be to take a painkiller?"  
"Very."

  
She looked over to her friend who was now rooting around in a cupboard that housed her pans. She pulled one out and moved to the oven, turning it on.

  
"What are you making?" Bernie asked, watching the woman move around the kitchen like this wasn't the first time she had been here.  
"Pasta." Serena told her. "It's basic but it's filling and it's all you have."  
"Pasta's my favourite." Bernie smiled.  
"Is the wine getting to your head?"

  
Serena filled the pan with boiling water from the kettle and threw in a couple of handfuls of pasta. She turned various knobs on the cooker then turned to Bernie.

  
"Probably." Bernie shrugged.  
"I'd better start." Serena said, moving over to the island where the wine bottle and an empty glass stood next to Bernie.  
She poured herself a glass while the pan bubbled. The kitchen was silent as she took a long sip of the drink.  
"Are you alright now?" She asked Bernie carefully.

  
Bernie frowned at her, she didn't want to think about breaking down over the phone, she'd had enough wine to feel embarrassed about the whole thing. She didn't do emotions. Or she didn't used to anyway. She nodded her response, Serena took it with no further questions, changing the subject.

  
"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while." She said.

  
An odd change of subject but Bernie went with it.

  
"That makes sense because I've been living in the trauma bay for the last few days." She said.  
"This was a nice idea."

  
Another change of subject?

  
"What was?" Bernie asked, she couldn't follow.  
"Sharing Shiraz." Serena said, raising her glass in explanation.  
"You can come around anytime." Bernie told her. "You're being a very good guest."

  
Serena laughed and put her glass down onto the worktop. She went back to the cooker, checking the pasta. She spoke as she searched the cupboards for a sauce. She found a jar, drained the pasta and then mixed sauce and pasta together, heating it up.

  
"I aim to please."  
Bernie hand slipped from it's place on the edge of the bench and she fell forward, the wine in the glass swaying dangerously close to the rim. Nothing spilt but Serena turned. She tried to hide the blush that had started on her cheeks by looking down at her glass.  
"I'm hungry now." She said.  
"Good."

  
Serena finished quickly, having the pasta in a bowl and in Bernie's hand within a minute. The bowl was hot so she handed her glass to Serena and held it with two hands. She struggled off the counter.

  
"Come on." She said, moving out of the kitchen for the livingroom. "Bring the bottle."

  
They got to the livingroom and took their previous seats, Bernie tucking in to her dinner straight away.  
"I have some ice-cream in the fridge." She said through a mouthful of pasta.  
"I bet you do." Serena laughed, cradling her wine glass in both hands.  
"It's a food group."  
"No it's not."  
They laughed, Bernie winced.  
"You should have taken some painkillers." Serena frowned, her eyes showing concern.  
"The food is helping." Bernie said, she was sure she had never eaten so fast. "Thank you."  
"It's just pasta." Serena shrugged.  
"You didn't have to make it though, I could have done it." She said, prodding a few pieces of the spiral pasta and popping them into her mouth.  
"But you wouldn't have." Serena reprimanded.  
"I'm lazy, always have been."  
"I don't believe that."  
"It's true."

  
She finished the pasta, placing the empty bowl onto the coffee table, she picked up her wine.  
"So..."

  
Serena looked away from the news that was still playing on the tv and to Bernie who had tucked her feet up underneath her, wine glass in one hand, arm around her body.

  
"So what?"  
"How's life been?" Bernie asked.  
"The same, it doesn't change." Serena answered.  
"You should have been in today." Bernie said, her eyes drifting over to the news on the television. "You really know how much life changes when your faced with a sick child and a frantic Father."  
"It's really on your mind isn't it." Serena said, turning slightly on the couch so she was facing Bernie more.  
"I don't know why, I see this type of thing everyday, I've seen parents cry over their kids in their hospital beds, beg me to make them better. And I haven't even bat an eyelash...but this."  
"It was personal." Serena said.  
"I don't know her."  
"But you know Fletch." Serena said kindly. "And that was enough."

  
Bernie thought about this and everything that she had been thinking about in the car came back to her. Most importantly, most prominently, what if she had lost her? She sniffed and looked down at her wine glass, forcing herself to focus on the colour of the liquid, the way it was moving, anything but the tears in her eyes. She looked back up.

  
"What if I hadn't saved her Serena?" She asked.  
"You're being too hard on yourself Bernie." Serena said, shaking her head, she put one of her hands out for Bernie to take, which she did after a second of hesitation. "You always are, you helped that little girl tonight and you should be proud."  
She squeezed Bernie's fingers in comfort and let go. Bernie moved the hand up to her face and wiped away some stray tears.  
"I wish you could have been there." She said quietly.  
"You didn't need me." Serena laughed softly, she brought her glass up to her mouth and took a long sip.

  
Bernie smiled but the stab of pain in her head made her face drop into a frown. She moaned and put her glass down onto the coffee table, both hands going up to her head.  
"Ow."  
"It's probably a stress headache." Serena said. "Here..."

  
She placed her own glass down next to Bernie's and shifted her position on the couch. She brought the red cushion out from behind her and lay it on her lap. She patted it like Bernie had done earlier. Bernie stared blankly at her.

  
"What?" She asked.  
"Put your head in my lap." Serena told her.  
"Excuse me?"  
Bernie suspected she was having a stroke and her brain hadn't translated the words over properly.  
"Just do it, come on." Serena patted the cushion again, looking insistent as ever.

  
Bernie did as she was told, like she always did, never questioning (rarely knowing how to question Serena Campbell). She turned in her seat with some difficulty before stretching out on the couch, her head in Serena's lap, her legs hanging over the arm. Serena's hand moved to Bernie's head slowly.

  
"Let me take your hair tie out." She said.

  
Bernie lifted up her head slightly and Serena carefully pulled out the bobble, throwing it onto Bernie's stomach gently. She moved both hands to Bernie's head, fingers massaging her scalp through the mass of blonde curls. Serena's fingers moved in circles, gentle pressure working away the pain. Bernie let herself a deep sigh, her eyes flickering closed at the touch, her head tingling pleasantly at the woman's touch.

  
"Serena Campbell." She whispered. "You are..."  
She trailed off, there was a small silence before Serena spoke, matching Bernie's hushed tone.  
"What?" She asked.  
Bernie opened her eyes, looking up at the woman.  
"I don't know yet." She said, her brow furrowed.  
Serena laughed, one of her hands moving from Bernie's hair to her forehead, she ran a thumb over Bernie's frown, taking away the deep lines.  
"Don't tense like that." She said.  
"Sorry."

  
The hand returned to her head and there was silence as Serena massaged away the worst of the pain, relaxing Bernie totally. Bernie was sure her heart was going to burst out of her chest. It all seemed so...natural and...so good. Just being close to Serena made her feel 100x better. Her thoughts drifted away as her eyes closed, every bad feeling that she had had for the whole day somehow seemed not that bad, better even. They were silent for a long time, Serena's fingers moving skilfully in her hair. Bernie didn't know how long they were like this before Serena suddenly stopped. She was so relaxed and pain free that she moaned when her head was left. Her eyes opened slowly when Serena laughed.

  
"Why did you stop?" She asked, pouting like a child.  
"I have to go." Serena told her.  
"Why?"  
"It's after eleven and I have work tomorrow." Serena told her, though she made no effort to shift Bernie off her.

  
Bernie nodded but still didn't move, Serena smiled down at her and for the first time she felt butterflies in her stomach from the look. She remembered to breathe. Serena moved one of her hands close to Bernie's cheek, gently stroking two fingers over the skin. Bernie moved towards the touch, her eyes fluttering away from Serena's gaze.

  
"Come on." The older woman said softly.

  
Bernie begrudgingly pulled herself up, her now messy hair falling into her face. She swung her legs off the couch as Serena started to get up. Bernie watched her pick up her glass and drain the last of her wine before she stood up. Bernie looked up at her from her seat on the couch.

  
"I'm going away with Eleanor tomorrow night so I'll see you Tuesday."  
Bernie nodded.  
"Have a good time, text me if you can." She said.  
Serena nodded, she put her hand out and ran it through Bernie's curls once more.  
"Goodnight Bernie." She said.  
"Night."

 

 

She let herself out, Bernie picking up her own wine glass and draining it as soon as the door was closed. She heard Serena's car start up then pull out of the driveway so she turned off the television that had been playing to itself for hours and stood up slowly. She moved to turn the lamps off, leaving the empty wine glasses and the half full bottle for her to clear away tomorrow. She moved through the ground floor, turning everything off that needed to be turned off and locked the front door. She made her way up the stairs feeling strangley alone in the empty house, a feeling that she had never felt before. She liked living alone but tonight she didn't. She used the bathroom quickly, cleaning her teeth and washing her face before making her way across to her bedroom and climbing into bed. She lay down straight away, stetching out across the double bed. She replayed every single detail of the night. The wine, the pasta, Serena's voice, the news playing quietly in the background, the fingers in her hair...

  
She turned over onto her side, her eyes falling open and on to Serena's book. She dragged herself up into a sitting position, her back up against the headboard and pulled the book onto her lap. She opened it up to where she had left off. She turned the page, not bothering to read it, and then the next one, doing the same until she found another folded note. She took it out and opened it.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I got a place at Newcastle University and I heard that you got into med school, well done, I'm truly so proud of you. I'm glad we talked the other day, I explained what happened and you told me how you felt. It was an eye opener for me and I understand how you feel. I was an idiot and I did the worst thing I could have done. It cost me you and I'm deeply ashamed and sorry for that. You have so much respect for yourself Serena and I admire that. If anything good can possibly come out of this I hope that it can mean that you can guard yourself against the heartache in the future. I also hope that this doesn't mean that you hide yourself away from feelings. Don't let this hurt, my stupid mistake, stop you from putting yourself and your feelings out there. You may get hurt but I would never forgive myself if my actions stop you from trying to love just incase things go wrong._   
_I hope that nobody ever hurts you. I hope that you find someone that makes you feel only happiness and safety. I hope that person treats you better than I did, sincerly._   
_Good Luck Doctor Campbell._   
_\--- Tony_   


 

So they had broken up. Bernie didn't know how to feel, Tony's words were respectful, deeply moving, grown up. She felt sorry for him and the tiniest bit of admiration snuck in. She wondered what Tony would think now, what he would think of Serena's life, of her heartbreaks. She couldn't be sure how Serena's other relationships had worked out, how they had ended or why but she knew about Edward. Would he feel sad about Serena being hurt again? She thought that he would. She whole heartedly agreed with what he had said. She folded the note back up and placed it within the book, which, she noted she had nearly finished.. The ending to two stories but no ending for her...  
She reached for her usual colourful notes and pen, pushing the book away for now. She wrote.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I'm sorry about Tony. I can't believe that I actually quite respect him, though I still don't really like him (for obvious reasons)._   
_I agree with what he says but I've also seen the future. I'm sorry you got hurt, your divorce was hard I know but you took his advice, you opened your heart to feelings, to love, and wasn't it worth it? A beautiful daughter? I think that's worth it._   
_I got hurt once, a couple of times actually. I had a school girl crush...on another girl. She was pretty and funny and I fell for her, well, she broke my heart and crushed me in the process. So then Marcus appeared, dashing, handsome, the furthest thing from the girl you could possibly get. He soothed my hurt, or maybe I suppressed it. I loved him straight away and then he gave me our children and I loved them. And then I joined the army and things were sometimes tense, they were hard, but we made it work. Alex was a complete surprise, I had managed to convince myself that the first girl I ever loved was a fluke, though I fell in love with strangers of the same sex at least once a week. Alex was my light in the darkness of the sand hills and the smoke. She made the heat hotter. I fell in love with her._   


  
_And then I got blown up, blown back to reality, blown back to my husband and my children. I broke her heart and buried my feelings. I vowed that I didn't need anyone because I didn't want to get hurt anymore, I didn't want to feel like that ever again, for the rest of my life. I wanted to be happy. Feelings never amount to anything good. How could they?_   


  
_And then I ended up in Holby City General, the strangest hospital I have ever worked in. The people are strange and wonderful and trying and talented and I fit in, maybe not straight away but I did. Keller opened it's ever loving arms to me and I'll be forever grateful to it for that. But I didn't belong and somehow I found a place that I did. AAU, run by the formidable, loved by everyone, extremely fantastic doctor, Serena Campbell, welcomed me and used my talents. It tested me. I was at AAU, I was over Alex, I was well over Marcus, my whole 'don't get feelings for anyone ever for the rest of my life' thing was going very well._   
_Until I turned to you one day and I saw something that I had never seen before. Cameron was in an accident and he told me, he told me Serena, he opened my eyes to what had happened. I had developed feelings, feelings for you. I shouldn't have been surprised really..._   


  
_For a week, or more, I have been reading this book and pulling out Tony's notes. I have been adding my own, purely for me because I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. My thoughts have been...fuzzy, or...I don't know exactly, all over the place?_   


  
_But tonight, tonight Serena, the way you were looking at me, I can't deny it. I'm in love with you. Tony said something -- 'I hope that you find someone that makes you feel only happiness and safety'._   


  
_I agree with him. I don't know if I'm that person but I love you..._   


  
_Would you take the risk like Tony says?_   
_\--- Bernie_   


 

The note went into the book and she turned the page. She finished the rest of the book in three hours, reading well into the night and crying at the end when the boy came back from university to sweep the girl off her feet. There were no more notes from Tony. She added no more.

 

 


	8. ice cream sundays

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Serena's text had woken her up on Sunday morning, bright and early per Serena Campbell style. She yawned, turning over in bed and reaching for the phone. She read the message through sleepy eyes.

 

9:16 Serena Campbell  
I didn't get away, Evie was more important, I'm in tomorrow x

 

She blinked a couple of times, re-reading the message, she smiled. Her Saturday had been spent in complete silence, wandering the house on her own, doing odd jobs and eating a whole tub full of ice-cream.

  
Her realisation the night before had made her reflective but still, like she had been when Cameron had opened her eyes to the truth, she was strangely calm.

  
_'I've seen you look at her in the same way._ '

  
She had been sure, so very very sure, that what Cameron had seen had been a crush, a small crush developing on a work colleague, nothing more. She had said to herself, repeated it even, like a mantra, over and over again, 'I will not fall for Serena Campbell'.

  
But she had failed. Terrifically so. She found calm when she had come to the realisation. What could she do? It had happened. She was in love with her best friend, not the ideal situation, but it was the current situation nonetheless.

  
She was good at suppressing feelings, it came with the bisexual/gay woman territory. Straight girls were very easy to fall for.  
And she was sure that Serena didn't have any feelings for her...

  
So she came to the decision to do nothing and hope to god that her feelings went away quickly and with minimal heartache for her. She wouldn't show she was hurt, not to Serena, not to her children, not to her colleagues, not to anyone. She'd ride the wave, cry when Serena cried, laugh when Serena laughed, and eventually be okay.

  
She had to believe that she would be okay, it's all she had.

  
So she read the text again. She was Serena Campbell's friend, colleague, equal partner on AAU above all and she would try her damned hardest to make sure her friend never suffered because of her feelings. She typed out a message.

 

09:26 Bernie Wolfe  
Great x

 

She dropped the phone over on the other side of the bed and dropped on to her back, staring up at the ceiling. She felt both determined and empty.

  
She didn't get a text back from Serena.


	9. Dear Bernie

 

 

 

Serena Campbell knew that something was wrong with her friend. It was blindingly obvious that Bernie Wolfe, leading trauma surgeon, messiest person alive, was avoiding her, she just didn't know why. Had she done something? She hadn't seen her since Friday night, only texting her Saturday, recieving a very brief text back. There was nothing she could have done...to her knowledge.

  
It seemed like she had had Bernie on her mind a lot recently. Friday night had been so different to any other night she had had with Bernie. She had come away feeling warm and comfortable and wishing that she hadn't left at all, wishing she had had just that little bit more to drink so she couldn't have driven home. She had thought on this desire, here and there, since she had pulled out of the drive and started the journey home.

  
She sat in their empty office now, Monday morning, her fingers clasped around a cardboard cup of coffee and stared blindly out of the window and onto the ward that they ran together. Her thoughts drifted and she saw nothing of what was happening in the real world, her memory playing Friday night to her on a loop. Her fingers through Bernie's hair, how the soft curls felt between her fingers, how the look of utter bliss on the blondes face made her stomach flutter and ache. The image of Bernie, tired and frowning in pain, sitting atop her bench, her hair pulled up, looking effortlessly breath taking. And earlier than that, when Bernie's sobs, her tears of relief and fear, sounded in her ear making her shake with her own fear and worry.

  
Friday night had made her realise that she was happy. She had gone home and after checking on Jason, she had gone straight to bed only to lie awake for the next three hours trying to figure out why she felt this happy. The last time she had laughed had been with Bernie. The last time she had smiled had been with Bernie.

  
And lying in the dark she had begun thinking of times she had spent with Bernie, their interactions coming to her like a film montage, a best bits compilation.  
The swell of importance when Bernie had looked at her, not at her husband, _"...he stole my theatre this morning, I threatened to set you on him."_ and the hair tuck, the shy look away, her sudden want to drag the woman away to a budget meeting that she would hate just so she wouldn't have to be near her ex husband.

  
The feel of their hands clasping together, mischievous smiles on their faces, feeling utterly childish as they arm wrestled over her desk.  
When she had come back, after her suspension to Bernie's call of, _"There's a sight for sore eyes."_ Making her feel more confident and wanted than she had felt in weeks.

  
After another fight, disagreement, whatever you want to call it and calling truce, hands brushing together, fingers getting caught together, the touch lingering. The feeling that she got when Bernie had let her touch her, letting her massage away the pain in her back, feeling slightly weak when the woman had moaned in relief as the pain waned.

  
The smile that had appeared on her face involuntary when Bernie had looked at her with such determination in her eyes, _'Well how about this, Serena Campbell..."_  


  
And the whole Cameron incident, just last week. That whole day being the most difficult they had faced together but somehow every single word or look they had exchanged making Serena feel like her whole body was buzzing and sparking. She had forgiven her, of course, how could she not? And they had said goodbye and Bernie had smiled at her. A small smile while she said goodnight. The look on her face was not a look she had seen on Bernie's face before and it made her lose her breath and move away from the woman faster than she ever had before.

  
All these times with Bernie she had felt happy, felt excitement, felt low, felt useless, felt hopeful, felt calm, felt high, felt something.

  
She thought of the days when she hadn't seen the blonde. Sunday all by herself after Jason had gone to his friends house. She had felt...nothing. Too be quite dramatic and blunt but entirely truthful.

 

**

 

Bernie was late for work. She felt nervous and possibly like she should have booked some acting classes. How to act like you aren't in love with your best friend. Was there a class for that?  
She hurried into the lift and it delivered her quickly up to AAU, where she scurried across the ward, hoping that the nurses didn't see their boss setting a bad example by rushing in very late.

 

**

 

Serena's fingers tightened around the hot cup as the door opened suddenly, shocking her into a jump. Bernie looked at her, she was out of breath, her cheeks pink from effort, her hair windswept, messy around her face.  
They stared at each other, both trying to hide the fact that the last thing they had been thinking about was each other. Serena recovered first.

  
"Morning." She said.  
"Morning." Bernie replied.  
She pushed the door shut behind her.  
"Sorry I'm late, there was a lot of traffic." She said, as she took off her coat and lifted her bag onto her desk.  
"It's okay." Serena said, not being able to say anything as she hadn't even thought about starting any work yet.

  
There was an awkward air in the office and each thought they were causing it. Bernie sat down and brought out a stack of files and a medical journal, placing them on the desk and removing her bag from the top. Serena discarded her coffee cup and started up her computer, wanting to check what time her meetings were for the day. They didn't say anything to each other, not a word for 20 minutes, until Serena spoke, not being able to bare the quiet any longer.

  
"How was your weekend?" She asked, trying to sound casual and probably failing.  
Bernie looked up at her, a deer caught in the headlights, did avoiding Serena mean they couldn't talk like they used to? Did it have to be awkward? Was it really avoidance, or just a little distance?  
"Good." She said after a seconds hesitation.  
"Good." Serena said.

  
The conversation died. Serena thinking about Friday night and Bernie trying not to think about how much she wanted to be even a fraction bit closer to the woman.

  
What they didn't realise was that they were both struggling. Serena was about 10 paces behind Bernie but they felt the same anyway. Bernie knew she was in love, the pin was dropping in slow motion for Serena.

  
Another ten minutes of them both getting exactly no work done Bernie had to get out of the room. She cleared her throat and stood suddenly, gathering the files she had brought.

  
"I have a consult on Darwin." She said. "I'll erm...see you later."

  
Serena didn't have time to even look in her general direction before the door had opened, closed, and Bernie had disappeared out of it.  
She gave a deep sigh. Bernie was acting strange, distant, she bit her lip...could she have been thinking about Friday..? No. She was being silly. Of course she wasn't. There was nothing to think about anyway. It felt good, didn't it, healing pain...

  
She was grasping at straws. She had Bernie on the mind simply because she was a friend. Friday night was a nice night, because they were friends. The happiness that she felt when she was around...because she was a friend. That was it. She sighed thinking that this realisation was lacking and wasn't making her feel quite as happy or relieved as she had wanted.

  
She sighed and her eyes flickered over to Bernie's desk where a small book with a white cover had caught her eye. She frowned, recognising it instantly as the book her first boyfriend had given her years ago. It was usually housed on the shelf on the back wall of the office, nestled among various medical journals and medical themed books. She had put it up there when she had moved in to the office, not wanting it at home but not wanting to part from it. It didn't mean anything to her anymore but she still didn't want to see it about the house. She wondered why it was on Bernie's desk and found herself standing to go and retrieve it. She stepped towards the desk and picked it up looking at the cover. A Mills and Boon style book, a teenage boy and girl painted badly on the front, locked in a heated kiss. She found she couldn't remember the story though she had read it more than once. She opened the cover and turned the pages to the starting page. She scanned the first page, turning to the second, and then the third, when she turned again she was stunned to see two folded pieces of paper. One white and lined and one pink, similar to her own note paper. She took the notes out, sinking down into Bernie's chair without even realising, too intrigued in what she had found. She put the book down and the pink note, opening the white folded paper, familiarity creepy up to her.

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I found this book in that little book shop we went in to, you know, the one you loved? I don't know much about books but I know you like romance so I picked this one. I had hoped to see you today at school but it seems like our classes were just too different. I hope to see you tomorrow. Dave said this was a love letter but I think that's stupid. I just wanted to talk to you and this seemed the best way, you know? I think you're wonderful. There's a line in this book, just on the front page, it says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' and I think that's how my life feels when I don't see you._   
_\--- Tony_   


 

She laughed and she remembered, her first boyfriend, her first love, Tony Hewett, who had sent her love letters. The letter was sweet, though a little bitter knowing how that relationship had ended. Still, he had been a lovely letter writer, she had loved reading everyone of them. She read it again before looking over at the pink note and frowing slightly. He wrote her a lot but she was very sure that he had never used note paper like this. It looked brand new too, not matching up with the time worn white lined note that she had just read. Curiosity at its peak she reached for it, putting the note from Tony down. She unfolded it carefully, not recognising the handwriting at first.

 

 

_Dear Serena_

  
_I hate this book and when I was a kid I would have much preferred a very large medical journal. A lot went on today but I have to agree with Tony (whoever he is) like the book says, 'the sun only shone when she was there, everything else was rain clouds' you make everything okay by just being here. You really helped today and I miss you, even though it's only been hours since we said goodnight._   
_I honestly hate this book._   
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

From Bernie? Her heart began to beat a little faster. When had she written this? When had she missed her? She read it again before it joined Tony's on the desk and the book was back in her hands. It was all coming back to her now. The notes she had recieved had went straight into the book, wherever she had been in the book when she had read them they had been put into that page. She found the next letter, and there again was a brightly coloured note, this time bright blue, along with it, a new addition. One from Tony, one from Bernie. The blue note followed pretty much the same theme as the white one, Bernie was responding to Tony with her own feelings. Feelings that Serena had no idea she had. The butterflies in her stomach gave a flutter when she read over the note a second time, checking she was reading it right and that it wasn't just a trick of the mind.

  
_"...there's nothing I want to do more than spend an extra hour with you everyday. "_   


  
She found the next one and the next one, each time the notes getting more personal, sweeter, deeper, making her heart race faster. And then she got to the letter that Tony had sent the day after she had seen him kissing another girl at a party. His list of things he loved about her. The list she had been severely unimpressed with. She opened Bernie's letter with trembling hands, wondering what the woman had thought about the letter.

  
She read it, tears springing to her eyes as Bernie made Tony's list better. As she made it her list. She had never read something so beautiful in her life and she couldn't quite believe that it was about her. That it was Bernie Wolfe who had written it. She searched for the next note. His begging notes, his explanation note, a note from Bernie. She was nearing the end of the book so she flipped it over and opened it from the back page. A few pages in and she found the last letter Tony had ever written to her, in it's usual white lined paper, along with that was a folded mint green paper. Her heart was hammering in her chest. It was the last note Bernie had written too. She scanned Tony's letter before starting to gently unfold the mint green paper. She hesitated, stopping her hands. She was the most nervous she had ever been in her life. The letters Bernie had written, she knew, were probably not meant for her to see. They came from the heart and she could tell that some had been after some strong reaction to Tony and to her heartache after the breakup. Her mind wondered to Bernie's head in her lap, to cooking her pasta, soothing her headache and she realised that she felt the same. Everything that Bernie had written. She felt the same. The emptiness she felt when she left Bernie after work was loss, was missing. Lunchtimes they spent together had become her favourite time of the day. She hadn't realised that she spent just as much time thinking about Bernie as Bernie evidently spent thinking about her.

  
She took a deep breath and opened the last letter. She read it slowly, savouring every word, taking her time to understand every sentence. Her heart was threatening to burst out of her chest as she neared the end of the letter.

 

_'For a week, or more, I have been reading this book and pulling out Tony's notes. I have been adding my own, purely for me because I needed to get my thoughts out somewhere. My thoughts have been...fuzzy, or...I don't know exactly, all over the place?_

  
_But tonight, tonight Serena, the way you were looking at me, I can't deny it. I'm in love with you. Tony said something -- 'I hope that you find someone that makes you feel only happiness and safety'.'_   


 

She was aware that she was crying when her eyes started to fog over and she had to catch her escaping tears with one hand, fearing they would drop onto the paper and smudge the ink. She was also aware that the door had opened.  
"Serena..."  
But Serena didn't look up because she hadn't finished the letter yet and it was important that she did.

 

  
_'I agree with him. I don't know if I'm that person but I love you..._   
_Would you take the risk like Tony says?_   
_\--- Bernie'_   


 

Bernie loved her. There it was. Written in black ink in the blondes surprisingly neat cursive handwriting.

 

_'I'm in love with you.'_

 

The door closed with a low thud and Serena looked up, meeting Bernie's gaze. The blonde was holding her breath, heart racing just as fast as Serena's. She had found the book. She hadn't meant to pick it up. Mixing it up with a medical journal. She was terrified.

  
"You're...in love with me?"

Serena looked at her with such intense emotion, so honest and bare, that Bernie found that she could only tell the truth. That she only wanted to tell the truth.  
"Yes." She said, her voice barely above a whisper.  
Serena held her gaze a second longer before looking back to the letter, back to all the letters that now littered the desk, brightly coloured love notes all for her.  
"Right." She stood up , facing Bernie, who was ringing her hands in front of her. "Well...that's good."  
Bernie blinked, her mouth opening to say something then closing when nothing came out. She wasn't sure she had heard right. She tried to speak again.  
"Excuse me?" She managed to say.  
"I said." Serena said, the tiniest, most timid smile lifting the corners of her mouth. "That's good."  
Bernie was very much aware that Serena was moving towards her, she found herself rooted to the spot though, her brain not working.  
"It is?" She asked, trying not to whimper as Serena stood in front of her.

  
Too close but not close enough.

  
Serena nodded at the question and Bernie felt herself swaying on the spot as she breathed in Serena's perfume, the scent that had intoxicated her from day one, the smell of her favourite hoodie because Serena had borrowed it once. The smell of her livingroom the morning after her visit. Her side of the office. Serena drew closer so that their bodies were almost touching, only inches away from each other. Their gazes met again and her breath caught at the love pouring out from Serena's eyes. Her eyes flittered to slightly parted lips and back up again. The tension was unbearable.

  
"Bernie..."  
Serena's voice was a whisper as their foreheads touched, their lips grazing each others lightly.  
"Mm?"  
"I love you too."  
Bernie's hand found it's way to Serena's hip, pulling them together and closing the gap between them. She let out a strangled sob.  
"Really?"

  
Serena just nodded before pressing her lips to Bernie's, softly at first, needing to feel the woman's mouth covering hers. Bernie felt Serena's hands finding her waist as she deepened the kiss. Her free hand came up to cup her cheek as they pulled apart.

  
They smiled at each other, everything suddenly falling into place.

  
Bernie Wolfe was in love with Serena Campbell.  
Serena Campbell was in love with Bernie Wolfe.

  
 It was like a story book. It was like a love letter. It was like magic.

 

  
_Dear Serena_   
_It's been an hour since we kissed, it's been a hour since you told me you loved me._   
_And I still can't quite believe it._   
_\--- Bernie_   


 

 

 

**The end**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it, all done! I hope you liked it! Thank you for commenting and liking and most importantly for reading!


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